SUPER MARIA

Maria slammed the door of her colorfully branded van and marched inside the window walled offices of Super Plummer Inc. She slid 5 quarters into the large automated coffee machine and pressed the aged button for a Vanilla Latte. The machine rattled as Maria punched her time card out.

Two plumbers in similar orange shirts and purple overalls began approaching her while cackling.

“Ey if it ain’t the Plumbette!”

“Plumb any good one’s t’day Plumbette?”

The two men howled with laughter and began slapping their knees as tears rolled down their cheeks.

“Shut the fuck up Marty!” Maria barked back angrily as the hot beverage dispensed explosively into the waiting paper cup.

“Uh Oh Danny, you thinking what I’m thinking?”  Marty asked theatrically to his plumbing partner. “I think it’s that time of the month where someone has a leak in their basement, if you know what I mea-”

Marty howled in pain as Maria splashed her sizzling hot, freshly brewed beverage into his patchily bearded face.

“What the hell Maria!? Have you lost your mind!?” Danny rushed to his friend's aide as Maria marched down the hallway to the main office .

“Ey toots, y’gotta wait the boss is havin’ a meetin’and-.” The secretary grunted from his filthy desk that was scattered by chips bags and empty energy drink cans. He filed his nails while watching Succession on the company’s computer.

Maria pressed past him without breaking stride.

“What? Hey, uh.. Stop?” The secretary ineffectively protested. 

. . . 

“You’re certain then. I see…” The owner of Super Plumber’s Inc. asked, standing in the center of a dark room surrounded by brightly glowing monitors, depicting the black and white, pixelated faces of the world leaders.

“Then we have no choice.” He continued. “I will see what we can do… And may God have mercy on our souls.”

The world leaders signed off as the owner turned to see Maria marching forward.

“Listen here asshole! I am sick of this blatantly sexist work environment!” She shouted.

“M-Maria!? What are you doing -” The owner began to stammer as Maria grabbed him by his collar and lifted him into the air with one arm.  

“You know damn well that I work harder than any of your men but you have me working on drains that an armless baby could unclog!”

“I don’t make the schedules!” He cried.

“But you authorize them!”

Maria dropped the owner who fell painfully to the ground.

“My name has been Plumbette on the schedule for two months! TWO MONTHS!”

“I-I..” The owner stammered.

“Plumber is a gender neutral term for fucks sake!” 

“I’m sorry.” The owner whimpered as he cowered at her feet. The secretary rushed into the room out of breath, panting as he walked several feet to deliver a paper to the owner.

“Boss.. I got… The mission statement.... Boss” The receptionist wheezed.

“I’ll take that.” Maria swiped the paper from the receptionist's hands as he fell to the ground beside the owner, gasping for breath.

“Code 9 at the mayor's house?” She exclaimed. “Dear God. This could be cataclysmic. Looks like I’m gonna need to punch back in.”

“But you can’t go! None of my best men have ever been able to handle a Code 9!”

“Exactly.”

Maria left the room without looking back, the doors closed behind her leaving the owner of Super Plumbers kneeling in the dark with his receptionist asleep at his feet.

. . .

Maria rolled up to the gates of the mayor's luxurious mansion that overlooked the city from a rolling hillside. She pressed the speaker box that crackled with static.

“Super Plumbers.”

“Huh? You’re not the regular guy?” The crackly voice came through loud and obnoxious as the camera above the box whirled and extended itself invasively towards Maria.

“Listen lady, this is a Code 9. Does your boss even know you’re here?”

Maria pressed the printed mission statement into the eye of the camera, bending it back. A buzz echoed into the warm night air and the intricate golden gates to the mansion opened themselves to her.

Maria rolled her van up to the mansion steps. Waiting for her was the mayor and two large heavily armed guards. She handed them the mission statement as they approached her.

“So what are you? Some sort of  plumbETTE.” The guard laughed.

“Yep.” Maria grinded her teeth. “Something like that.”

“This all looks in order to me. Let’s take her to the site. Get your gear kid, it’s real messy.”

 The door creaked open as running water could be heard echoing from the pitch black bathroom.

“It’s in there.” The mayor moaned, hiding behind his guards.

“Alright. You wait out here. This could take a while.”

“This chicks a badass.” The guard exclaimed.

“Or outta her mind.” The other guard smirked as he stuck a lollipop into his mouth.

“Hey, I want one of those!” The mayor cried as Maria slammed the door shut on them.

“Alright what have we got here?” Maria asked aloud as she lifted the porcelain top of the toilet’s tank and looked down it’s vibrant green pipe.

“What the-?” Maria looked deeper down the blackness of the pipe until it encompassed her full vision. Suddenly she felt an odd weightlessness around her. Maria began to scream in horror as she discovered herself falling through pure darkness. She screamed into the void until a dim glow began to appear beneath her. As it’s glow grew from her descent she squeezed her eyes, expecting a painful impact but instead only felt tall smooth blades of grass between her finger tips. Slowly, she opened her eyes and looked ahead to see brick structures lining the ground and above her an expansive blue sky with the same large green pipe extending endlessly into it. 

“What the actual fuc-”

Suddenly, a loud, high pitched scream carried along the wind as a small creature ran from the nearing tall trees, chased by a lumbering beast. The small figure wore a vest, large cloth boots and a head resembling a mushroom.

“Stay still little toad!” The beast laughed. It had large emotive eyes, a short beaked mouth and seemed to be straining to carry it’s large turtle-like shell. It cornered the frightened mushroom creature and laughed menacingly.

Maria charged up to the beast. She towered over it and using the built up momentum of her run she delivered a devastatingly powerful kick, knocking the turtle beast out of it’s bright red shell and high into the air.

“Are you okay little guy?” Maria asked the scared mushroom creature.

“Oh thank you! Thank you for saving me.. you.. Who are you?” The creature turned its head up to Maria, it’s adorable, large saucer-like eyes beamed with wonder and amazement.

“I’m Maria, I’m a Plumbett- Plumber.”

“Maria the Plumber Woman! I am Frog! Thank you for saving me! Our Kingdom is in great danger!”

“Just Maria is fine; and what do you mean? What’s going on? Where are we!? Why do the clouds have faces?”

Maria began to feel nauseous. It seemed the more she looked around the less her surroundings made sense.

“This is the Pipe Kingdom! Our Princess Tulip is being held captive by the evil Growser. Please save us from his army of Goopgoops.”

“Goopgoops?” Maria asked, bemused. “That thing that attacked you is called a Goopgoop?”

Frog shrugged. “That’s what they’re called.”

“Alright.” Maria lifted the empty shell and slid her left arm through it, creating a makeshift shield. She unsheathed a large plunger from her tool belt and gripped it in her right hand.

“Lets go kick some Goopgoop ass.”

Maria scaled the brick structures that led to a castle that floated on a dense smiling white cloud. Frog held onto her back and guided the way.

“You’ll have to leap from here. Make sure to land on that moving platform.” Frog guided.

“How the hell do you get here every day?” Maria asked.

“I don’t. Usually I just wait in a dungeon to give people directions.”

“Oh my god.” Maria said in remorse for the creatures cursed life. 

“It’s not all bad. Sometimes I play tennis. Oh, one weekend we all went go-karting.”

“What? Oh, whatever. I’m pretty sure this is all just a dream or something.”

“What’s a dream?” Frog asked. 

Maria jumped from the brick wall and onto a floating stone platform that levitated towards the clouds where she leapt again onto the surface of the dense, fluffy white cloud. 

“It’s weird standing on a cloud.” Maria said aloud. 

“Look out Maria! Goopgoops!”

Several turtle creatures began charging from the castle while a maelstrom of arrows reigned down, Maria held her shell-shield high as it caught the descending bolts. She then swung her plunger at the turtle soldiers that encroached upon her, striking them painful and dealing deafening blows..

As another set of arrows loosened from the enemy archers' bows, Maria lifted an injured Goopgoop over her head; the arrows landed into it’s soft belly that spilled green blood over Maria’s face.

“Jesus Christ!” She shouted in disbelief, staring at the carnage she had committed.

“Maria! This way!” Frog cried, guiding Maria along the walls of the castle away from the oncoming line of fire.

“Up here!” Frog shouted as they climbed the vines that grew along the castle's wall leading to an open window. They crawled inside and onto an elegant red carpet that continued up a set of stone steps leading to the roof of the castle where a wedding was commencing.

Goopgoops gathered around witnessing two figures beneath a beautiful flower and mushroom arch. One figure was a majestic, fair skinned princess wearing an elegant wedding dress. The other was a large creature resembling a goopgoop but his shell was spikier and his face closer resembled a bulldog than a turtle. It wore a tuxedo, a long cape and top hat. The creature let out a loud roar as it clenched a wedding ring it had just nearly placed onto the princesses finger.

“Maria! You must stop King Growser!” Frog cried. “If he places that ring on Princess Tulip's finger it will mean that they are married and he will own all of Pipe Kingdom!

“Wait? She doesn’t get a say?” Maria asked.

“No!” Frog cried.

“Fine.” Maria sighed as she charged down the red carpet towards the altar. The Goopgoops leapt from their seats and stood single filed on the carpet ahead of her.

“Perfect. Right where I want you.”

Maria whipped the red shell off her arm and set it spinning down the carpet, sending Goopgoop after Goopgoop flying into the air until it reached the end of the altar knocking the wedding officiate that stood between Princess Tulip and King Growser off the edge of the castle.

“I’ll get you for this, Plumber!” Growser growled as he pulled a large cannon from beneath his glittery cape and fired off an impossibly enormous bullet that flew slowly through the air. The bullet had a snarling, toothy smile and menacing eyes. 

“Oh my God!” Maria turned and ran from the bullet while Growser laughed raucously. As she sprinted around the circumference of the castle's roof the bullet followed her movement like a heat seeking missile.

“Maria! The Princess!” Frog pleaded as Growser gripped the Princesses wrist while she struggled desperately to free herself. He lifted the ring between his thumb and index finger into the sunlight where it glistened brightly, the light momentarily blinded Maria with its brilliance. She covered her eyes and charged forward.

“Hey Growser!”

Growser looked up and hissed as Maria ran toward him at full speed. “I got you a wedding gift!”

Just out of reach from his brawny arms, Maria ducked and rolled as the large bullet passed overhead and crashed into Growser. The bullet carried him off the castle's roof and through the air before exploding into a magnificent firework display.

Frog celebrated with tears of joy as Princess Tulip fell to the ground. She picked up the brilliant multi diamond ring from the ground as Maria cradled her into her arms.

“Are you alright, your highness?” Maria asked.

“I am now... My Hero” Princess Tulip leaned in, her lips puckered for a kiss. Maria pulled back.

“I’m sorry.” Maria said politely.

“Oh! No! It’s fine. Princess Tulip stammered, her cheeks red with embarrassment.

“I’m not even really a…”

“Oh, I am. I just…” Maria scratched the back of her head while looking away awkwardly. 

“You are? Then why don’t you want to kiss me?”

“I just met you.” Maria said bluntly. “Also I literally just killed a bunch of turtles and honestly I don’t really know if you or if any of this is even real.”

Suddenly the castle shook with a mighty tremor.

“What’s going on?” Maria exclaimed as she fought to keep her balance.

“It’s the pipes!” Princess Tulip called. “I think there’s something wrong with them!”

Maria looked at Princess Tulip with squinted eyes and a look of annoyance and disbelief. The castle continued to tremble.

“Hey! Maria! Aren’t you a plumber?” Frog called out, tone deaf. “Why don’t you look at the pipes and-”

“Yeah I got it, thanks Frog.”

. . .

Frog and Princess Tulip led Maria through the castle and to a room in the basement.

“It’s in there.” Frog moaned.

“Be careful, it’s really messy.” Princess Tulip warned.

“Alright.” Maria said as she tightened her belt and unsheathed her blood stained plunger.

“Princess, it was nice meeting you. Sorry about not kissing you. It’s been a day. You’re really pretty and maybe… I don’t know.. maybe if we went on a date and got to know each other better we could-”

Princess Tulip put her gloved hand over Maria’s lips and smiled.

“Thank you for saving my kingdom.”

Maria blushed and laughed before kneeling down to Frog’s level.

“Oh, Frog. Come here.”

The two embraced.

“You may be kind of annoying but without you I never would have gotten to this castle. You saved the kingdom just as much as I did. You’re a hero.”

“You think I’m annoying?” Frog asked sadly.

“Alright then. You all wait out here. This could take a while.” Maria silently shut the door on her new found friends.

“I got a feeling that since a pipe is what got me into this mess then a pipe is what’s gonna get me out,,. Now, what have we got here?” Maria asked aloud as she lifted the wooden top of the toilet’s tank and looked down it’s green pipe.

“What the-?” A large, sludgy creature erupted from the pipe sending Maria flying against the wooden wall of the bathroom causing the boards to break and splinter. As Maria painfully steadied herself to her feet she stared up to see that emerging from the pipe was the sludgy upper half form of Growser.

“I am Sludge Growser!” The creature declared. “My vengeful spirit has merged with the sludge and grime of the kingdom to create me! My tendrils extend through this whole castle! If I couldn’t have this castle in life then I will become it in death!” 

“Oh no you won’t!” Maria shouted as she charged forward gripping her plunger with both hands as if it were a spear. She stabbed into the sludge creature with the plunger again and again as it shrieked out in agony, losing bits of its matter with every strike.

The creature swiped back with its powerful large sewage built arms but Maria stood her ground. Closer and closer she gained on Sludge Groswer until at last she leapt atop the creature and stabbed down with her plunger, forcing it back down into the depths of the pipes.

The sewage creature let out a final moan in defeat and then… There was silence.

Maria let out a sigh of exhaustion and lifted her arm to wipe the sweat from her brow when a tendril of sludge grabbed her wrist. Without a second to react Maria felt herself being dragged down into the pipe. She tried to let out a scream of terror but the tendrils covered her mouth and pulled her down into the dark depths of the pipes.

 . . .

The darkness was different this time as she could feel it crawling around her, she swam through it as if it were a sea of writhing eels.

“There is no defeating me, Plumber. I am a clog of darkness in this world that can never be exercised. I existed before creation and I am what will be left after. I am Ultimate Growser”

Maria continued to swim, pushing herself further and further through the infinite blackness. Feeling in the dark, Maria noticed that the ring Growser had tried to wed Princess Tulip with was now around her finger.

“The princess must have slipped it on my finger when I was saying goodbye..”

As Maria swam through the body of Tendrils, she noticed the ring begin to glow, she followed it’s glimmering radiance like a compass to a faint light flickering from within the body of the void. 

“What are you searching for in my sea of darkness and despair?” Ultimate Growser laughed

“A light.”

“And what will you do with it?” 

“Make it brighter.” 

Maria stabbed her plunger deep into the writhing darkness unearthing a brilliantly five pointed star. She plunged her ring into the star to create a pure, concentrated beam of light that cut through the darkness that is Ultimate Growser. It let out a final painful cry as it was blasted into oblivion. The light began to shine brilliantly as it melted away all the darkness around her. Maria embraced its warm beauty and felt herself disappear into it.

. . .

Slowly Maria felt the light begin to dull and eventually her vision focused enough to notice the detailing of the stark white, stuccoed ceiling of the mayor's bathroom. She rose to her feet from the heated tile floor and moaned as she moved her tired, sore joints. She looked at the porcelain toilet in front of her, lifted its lid, lowered her pants and sat down. After enjoying the luxurious multi ply paper she held down the handle and listened to the satisfying flush of the toilet.

“Sounds fixed to me.” Maria washed her hands and exited the bathroom to see the mayor, his guards, Danny, Marty, the Secretary and the owner of Super Plumbers Inc. all waiting for her.

“That was unbelievable!” Danny shouted. “I always got stuck at the castle!”

“No one has ever made it past Growser!” Marty added.

“We did not even know of Growser’s Ultimate form.” The Owner said solemnly, bowing his head in both honor and shame. “You not only saved the Pipe World but our world as well. We owe you a great debt.”

Maria smirked and walked past the mayor, the Owner and the rest of her colleagues before stopping at the door. 

“Well boss…Would you expect any less from a…  Super Plumber?” 

Maria opened her van door and collapsed into her seat. She let out a long exhale before staring longingly at the view of the city, still questioning if the events of the day had actually happened or were the result of a methane leak from an old pipe. She turned the keys in the ignition then pulled her stick shift into gear. As she gripped the wheel she felt something cold and metallic. She looked at her hand to see the ring Growser had intended to wed Princess Tulip, the ring that saved her in the dark void, was still around her finger. 

Maria laughed.

“Alright Princess. You win.”

Maria turned off her ignition, left her van, and walked back into the mayor's mansion.

“Hey Mr. Mayor…'' Maria asked. “...Think I can use your bathroom?”